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If you want to see the brave, look to those who can return love for hatred. If you're going to see the heroic, look to those who can forgive. -Bhagavad Gita
Forgiveness is a complex and multifaceted process involving several emotional, cognitive, and behavioural components. Here's a detailed look at what forgiveness entails.
Definition and Core Aspects of Forgiveness
Emotional Release:
Forgiveness involves letting go of negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and bitterness toward someone who has wronged you. This emotional release can lead to a sense of inner peace and emotional well-being.
Cognitive Shift:
It requires changing how you think about the person who hurt you. This might involve viewing them with compassion or understanding rather than with hostility and judgment. It doesn't mean condoning or excusing their behaviour but choosing to see them as fallible human beings.
Behavioural Change:
Forgiveness may also change how you interact with the person who wronged you. It can mean choosing not to seek revenge or retaliation, and, in some cases, it might involve reconciling or restoring the relationship. However, this is only sometimes necessary or advisable.
What forgiveness is not!
Condoning the Wrong:
Forgiveness does not mean excusing or justifying the wrong behaviour. It acknowledges that the action was wrong but releases its hold on your emotional state.
Forgetting:
Forgiveness is not about forgetting the incident. It's about remembering without the burden of anger or resentment.
Reconciling:
Forgiveness does not always imply reconciliation. One can forgive without necessarily restoring the relationship to its previous state, especially if the other party is unrepentant or if the relationship is harmful.
Weakness:
Forgiving someone is not a sign of weakness. It requires strength and courage to let go of negative feelings and to move forward.
HOW TO PROCESS FORGIVENESS
1. Acknowledge the Hurt:
Recognise and accept the pain caused by the other person's actions. This step is crucial for genuine healing.
2. Reflect on the Situation:
Understand the circumstances and motivations behind the other person's actions. This doesn't mean excusing the behaviour but can help understand and contextualise the hurt.
3. Empathise with the Offender:
Try to see the situation from the other person's perspective. This can help develop empathy and reduce anger. Sometimes, it is useful to see the person who hurt you when they were a baby. See the innocence in their eyes before the social programming.
4. Decide to Forgive:
Make a conscious decision to forgive. This decision is often a commitment to personal healing and moving forward.
Remember that your forgiveness doesn't change the person who hurt you. Forgiveness changes you!
5. Let Go of Resentment:
Actively work on releasing the negative emotions associated with the hurt. This can involve techniques such as meditation, therapy, or the rituals mentioned earlier.
6. Maintain Forgiveness:
Forgiveness is often a continuous process, especially if the hurt is deep. Regularly remind yourself of your decision to forgive and work on maintaining this stance.
Benefits of Forgiveness
7. Emotional Healing:
Reduces stress, anxiety, and depression, leading to improved mental health and emotional well-being.
8. Physical Health:
Some physical benefits of forgiveness include lower blood pressure, improved heart health, and a more robust immune system.
9. Improved Relationships:
Enhances the quality of relationships by fostering empathy, compassion, and understanding.
10. Personal Growth:
This leads to greater self-awareness, emotional resilience, and overall personal development.
In essence, forgiveness is a powerful and transformative process that frees individuals from anger and resentment, paving the way for emotional healing, personal growth, and improved well-being.
Here are some Rituals and Practices that may help you on your journey toward forgiveness:
1. Loving-Kindness Meditation
Meditation: Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and focus on sending love and kindness to yourself and others, including those you need to forgive. Repeat phrases like "May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be at peace," and then extend these wishes to the person you're working to forgive. More here:
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2. Breathing Exercises
Practice deep breathing to calm your mind and centre your thoughts. With each exhale, focus on letting go of anger and resentment.
3. Journaling
Forgiveness Letters: Write a letter to the person you need to forgive, expressing all your negative and positive feelings. You don't need to send this letter; writing can help release pent-up emotions. You can burn the letter afterwards.
Gratitude Journaling: Reflect on and write about the positive aspects of the person or situation. This can help shift your perspective and foster understanding and compassion. More here:
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4. Ritualistic Acts
Symbolic Release: Write down your grievances against someone on a piece of paper. Then, perform a symbolic act of release, such as burning the paper safely. Feel the relief as you let go of these negative emotions.
Water Ritual: Use water to symbolise cleansing and letting go. As you wash your hands or bathe, imagine the water washing away your anger and resentment.
5. Physical Activities
Yoga: Practice yoga focusing on heart-opening poses (such as Camel Pose, Bridge Pose, or Wheel Pose) to help release emotional tension and open your heart to forgiveness.
Walking Meditation: Walk in a quiet place, focusing on each step and allowing thoughts and feelings about forgiveness to arise and dissipate naturally.
Walking in Nature brings forth profound healing.
6. Acts of Kindness
Compassionate Actions: Show kindness to the person you are trying to forgive, even if it's something small. This can help you feel more connected and shift your feelings from resentment to compassion.
Volunteer Work: Engage in volunteer activities to shift your focus from pain to helping others, which can foster a sense of empathy and understanding.
7. Affirmations
Daily Affirmations: Use affirmations to reinforce your intention to forgive. Examples include: "I choose to forgive and release," "I am open to healing through forgiveness," and "I let go of anger and embrace peace."
8. Ritualistic Prayer or Invocation
Prayer for Forgiveness: If you are spiritual or religious, pray for the strength and willingness to forgive. Ask for guidance and support in your journey toward forgiveness.
Invocation of Forgiveness: Create your ritual or invocation where you ask for the ability to forgive and let go. This could involve lighting a candle, reciting a mantra, or calling upon a higher power.
Practising these rituals regularly can help cultivate a forgiving mindset, ultimately leading to greater peace and emotional freedom. However, in severe cases of unforgiveness, it's important to seek professional help for your well-being. This is my version of the St Francis of Assisi's prayer for Peace:
Divine Mother, make me an instrument of Your Peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Mother,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
Love
Michela Sborchia
Michela Sborchia@ ALL Rights Reserved
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