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One of the greatest gifts I received from Perimenopause
Yesterday, I posted a small article on my blog about my personal life and its imperfections. I felt the need to do so because sometimes people think my life doesn't have ups and downs just because I do so much inner work.
But let me assure you that inner work brings up a lot of S…!
This morning, I had some time off and walked along the sea. I sat for a while in the sun and felt the cold wind cleansing my energy and the earth grounding me. I was surrounded by happy dogs playing. While sitting there in nature, this quote I heard once came to mind:
"You can't fix stupid, you can't heal toxic, loving people more doesn't make them love you back, and overexplaining yourself doesn't make people understand you better".
I felt the same need to talk more about my life experience. This time, though, it’s about my relationship with certain people and how the more I journey within, the stronger my boundaries are.
I remember the first time I heard that quote. I felt like a little earthquake was shaking me from within because a long time ago, I thought I could do that if I kept doing my inner work. I used to think I could get along with everyone I met, but life has taught me differently. I had to quickly learn to be OK with the fact that—even if Untrue—I was the bad person in someone else's narrative.
In truth, I wasn't always good with it because every time someone tried to overstep my boundaries, my first reaction and question were always the same:
"I am not doing anything to damage others consciously, and I live my life as best as possible. However, I am still the recipient of aggressive behaviour in the form of bullying, harassment, gaslighting, etc. Why?".
For instance, I would be really sad about it, especially considering that many people didn't know me and never tried to do so. And those who knew me were deliberately trying to harm me for their own agenda.
Then, one day, at the start of my perimenopause journey, something shifted within. With my hormone levels enjoying their roller coaster ride and my ability to tolerate nonsense becoming almost non-existent, I find myself reassessing many things. Perimenopause, a phase of significant hormonal changes, has not only brought physical changes but also a shift in my emotional and mental resilience, allowing me to set healthier boundaries.
Now, I don't tolerate things as much as I used to.
It is easier to hold people accountable for their behaviour.
I can say NO without explaining. It's a freedom I never knew I had, and it's liberating. I no longer feel the need to justify my decisions to others, and it's a powerful feeling of independence.
I am content to feel good even when someone thinks I am the devil just because I don't fit in with their sick ideas of how I should behave, talk, and think.
And let me tell you, Sister, this newfound ability to set boundaries and stand my ground is not just empowering; it's liberating. It's one of the greatest gifts Perimenopause has given me, and I want to share this strength with you. It's about reclaiming your power and feeling in control of your life.
I used to think that if I kept doing my inner work, which involves (among many things) healing from past traumas, understanding my triggers, and making myself accountable for my actions and choices, I would change the world around me.
That was one of my biggest mistakes because it is true that you cannot change people, and you cannot change the world.
Still, we can always change ourselves:
Not to fit in but to stand out and belong!
Not to make people like us but to not care about other people's opinions.
Not to become a doormat for their dirty feet but to hold them accountable for their behaviour (which they hate).
Having solid boundaries doesn't make people like us. The stronger the boundaries, the fewer people in our lives will be able to come close to us. Some people will move away from us, you’ll cut some of them off, and others will try to sabotage our boundaries while hating us for no apparent reason.
Why? Because we feel different about ourselves. We no longer allow people to overstep and access our energy.
We feel stronger even standing alone, facing the pack.
Sister, remember this: our inner work is not to make people love us; it is not going to fix others or change the world around us!
After years of deep inner journeys, we'll still meet people vibrating on different energies, but we are less likely to be affected by their energy and behaviour. And if we get somehow triggered, we'll have the awareness to see that and know why.
There is a quote I loved growing up, and it's from a poem by one of my favourite poets. The quote says: “La vie est la farce à mener par tous…”. My keen observation skills allow me to notice many things. I see patterns in behaviours and how people perceive themselves in a "battle" against me. This "battle" is not a literal conflict but rather a metaphor for the social dynamics at play in their heads. It's a struggle for social acceptance and validation, where they constantly feel the need to prove their worth or likability. This is a regular occurrence at my morning job, particularly when I must interact closely with others. It's intriguing to witness how people's smiles become exaggerated, their voices take on a higher pitch, and their movements and behaviours change when they are near me.
I don't care about social dynamics and hierarchy, I don't feel the need to put people down to feel better about myself, I don't have to spread rumours about colleagues just to be liked and accepted….
I'd rather be alone than lower my standards, integrity, and worth to fit in…
It may sometimes feel lonely, but I am willing to pay that price to stay true to and honest with myself.
Sometimes, I find a certain enjoyment in these reactions, perhaps a bit too much. But that's just my very human, and saucy side, saying, "I know my presence irritates you, and that is why I am here...".
They always seem willing to go above and beyond to show how they get along with everyone instead of using that energy to do something better. But if there is a part of me that understands the underlying need for acceptance and the fear of rejection that drives these behaviours, I also say to them: "I see what you are doing and hear what you are saying, and I hope you'll meet yourself in the people in your life."
So to come to an end….
This journey of self-acceptance, of understanding that not everyone will appreciate or understand us, is a significant part of the perimenopause experience.
It's a journey of personal growth, and I hope it inspires you to embrace your unique journey, too.
It's a journey that leads to self-acceptance and a sense of peace.
Sister,
Be OK with people hating you (even knowing that you didn’t do anything to deserve that hate).
Do not allow anyone to overstep your boundaries! And Demand Respect!
Rember these:
Fitting in often requires sacrificing authenticity. Belonging thrives on being genuine and true to yourself.
Fitting in is conditional on meeting external expectations. Belonging is unconditional and rooted in mutual respect.
Fitting in can lead to burnout, self-doubt, or a sense of being "not enough." Belonging promotes self-esteem, emotional safety, and genuine connection.
With Mother’s Grace
Michela xo
© 2024 Michela Sborchia. All rights reserved
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